So for the kids keeping score, based on all these recently issued trailers, the hype and the hustle…here’s where I stand with many of the upcoming 2016 movies from January to June (the nice Hollywood people are scrambling; blockbusters are released all over the place now, though January is still the black hole of death):
In January I’m safely skipping 13 Hours and Kung Fu Panda 3 (didn’t see the first 2).
Pride and Prejudice and Zombies [February 5, 2016]: The first ever bosom movie I actually want to see! I’m maturing in my old age. (Though the February release date frightens me…s’a bit too close to January so this’ll probably be a royal crapfrest).
Verdict: In!
Deadpool [February 12, 2016]: Count on Deadpool to release a blockbuster in February insteada Summer like everybody else! Major Concern: Reynolds’ track record with comic book movies…at least 5 and they’re all wretched (Blade: Trinity, X-Men Origins: Wolverine, Green Lantern, R.I.P.D., and let’s include The Amityville Horror). Trailer looks marvelous but…a trailer is supposed to look marvelous.
Verdict: As cautiously stepping into a temple to avoid the pressure stone that’ll fire the poison darts I’m mostly in! Helps it’s Rated R.
London Has Fallen [March 4, 2016]: Sigh…no. In the fall London also took Gerard Butler with it. I couldn’t sit through White House Down so there is no way to endure this. Kudos for Gerard Butler sticking to his diet though!
Verdict: 100% out!
Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice [March 25, 2016]: Nothing appealing about this…the casting, the story, the rating, Man of Steel before it, what it’s setting up all of it is utter crap. Just out. DC’s about as desperate as a dude on Tinder.
Verdict: Out, 100% out.
Amityville: The Awakening [April 15, 2016]: Meh. I dunno why Amityville is awakening…studio clearly shoulda hit the snooze button.
Verdict: 100% out unless I’m on an airplane.
The Huntsman: Winters War [April 22, 2016]: Why?! Who asked for this?
Verdict: 100% out unless I end in a body switch movie and become a 16 year old girl.
Captain America: Civil War [May 6, 2016]: Curious: Civil War is a freshtastic comic book crossover, one of Marvel’s best. I dunno how they’ll squeeze all that ruckus into this. Hopefully Chris Evans dies.
Verdict: probably in.
Alice in Wonderland: Through the Looking Glass [May 27, 2016]: Visually stunning trailer. If I could watch this movie with the sound off I’d do it.
Verdict: Out!
X-Men: Apocalypse [May 27, 2016]: Apocalypse is Egyptian like me…and Middle Eastern people are always treated fairly and properly with much respect in Hollywood movies. Right? I’ll go just to confirm my hypothesis. Helps Olivia Rhymes With Funn is in it.
Verdict: All In!
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows [June 3, 2016]: Last time TMNT released a sequel we discovered the secret of the ooze. This looks slightly better than Vanilla’s Ice Go Ninja Go trailer.
Verdict: Maybe…
Warcraft [June 10, 2016]: Pro: Duncan Jones! Con: Video game to movie genre is awful. It’s still early in Duncan Jones’ career…I’ll need to see more before we trust each other.
Verdict: Home video for this one!
Now You See Me: The Second Act [June 10, 2016]: Not a fan of Daniel Radcliffe (getting tired of meta casting…) so I hope he won’t louse this up! First one was all kinds of fun.
Verdict: 100% in!
Central Intelligence [June 17, 2016]: Rock doing comedy. Yes like that worked out great when he did Tooth Fairy.
Verdict: Guilty Pleasure.
Independence Day: Resurgence [June 24, 2016]: Maybe. Actually why not?
Verdict: In with a giant #1 foam finger rooting for the aliens.
July to December will be coming soon!
